Well, What Now?!
The Question
I remember waking up and thinking ‘this can’t be all there is’.
Actually, I remember that happening a few different times in my life.
The first time, I was working 60+ hours/week at a job that was draining me, I had 3 young kids, was pregnant, and we were struggling financially.
Shortly after that, I had the stroke which forced me to drastically change direction (understatement of the year)…and recover.
The second time was a couple years ago. My kids were all growing beautifully, my husband and I had a successful business, I was recovering from my brain injury, and we were no longer struggling financially.
I was at two totally opposite spaces of life when I had these thoughts.
The first time, I could explain it away. I was miserable. I genuinely was drained emotionally, mentally, financially…it was a rough period.
The second time, though…
The second time, I had it all. Things weren’t perfect, but they were good. Everyone was happy.
How do you come to terms with the fact that you can feel totally unfulfilled in a life that looks fulfilling?
We don’t talk about the guilt associated with this. How we can feel so grateful for so many aspects of our life and still want something different.
How do you shake that guilt of feeling like what you have isn’t enough?
How do you reconcile being so in love with some aspects of your life while actively needing more, or worse, resenting parts of that same life you love so much?
Kind of a mind-fuck, right?! But, these are the questions I found myself asking. Over & over. I have it all, why aren’t I happy?
The Answer
I stopped asking myself whether I should feel grateful and started asking what I needed to feel alive, fulfilled, even just happy.
I realized I had done a really good job at creating a space for the people I love to be their best selves. To be big and strong and reach their best versions, but I didn’t allow the same space for myself.
Now, I’m not naive or selfish enough to think that I can live my life for only myself. I have a family that still needs me. I still have responsibilities and obligations that I owe time and energy to. But, there are areas of my life that I can claim as my own.
I started taking better care of my body. I started exploring new things and being open to meeting new people.
I spent time listening to what would help me feel fulfilled. In my case, it was this podcast.
There is an irony to someone who had gone through so much of life alone and internalized these things to find their purpose by publicly sharing their struggles;)
The Middle
This wasn’t an easy process.
There were times that I was ready to burn it all to the ground. I had the matches in my hand (not literally…)
As the bigger emotions passed, and I dealt with some of the resentment, and the anger at myself, and the emptiness, my actual needs started to become clearer.
I wanted connection that needed nothing from me, and I wanted to feel seen in a life in which I saw everyone else.
And…I wanted to help other people not feel so alone in this same situation (because, this is a lonely space to be).
I wanted a space to be creative that fit me.
And I wanted something of my own.
I have a beautiful family and home. I have built a life that I am deeply grateful for. But I don’t think fulfillment is something we arrive at once and stay forever.
I think there will probably be another version of me that starts asking for something more.
And I’ll know to listen.
Questions for you:
Have you ever looked around and thought “I should be happy…so why do I feel empty?”
What did that version of you need?